with me.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

oh wells. | 1:53 PM

hmmm.. comin online lesser doesn't mean i studied anythin more.

just so disappointed in myself.. everythin seems to go downhill again.. all i have is my hse. e bug infested chair. the table. the radio. my bed. the tv. food. and me. i haven been muggin. and every single time i wake up after 12. i feel like beating myself up.

i ask myself.. wot have i done in this two weeks? i tink its lesser than wot ppl can do in a week. and wot i do is like practically wot ppl DUNT do. for example readin e whole book of model english essays. READing both maths summaries from tys. writing and understanding the skills for source-based and structured essays questions at this point of time(late). but i pray dey'll all be put to good use..

done like 13 chp of chem MCQ only while my frens are like doing the whole book.

bout 4 amath papers which are all done in tuition.(which actually only meant 2 papers. cos deres paper1 and 2.) other ppl have like probably finish the whole tys. which i've read from other people's blog and i feel so ashamed.

reading some ss chapters.. not yet memorise.

writing chinese words like crazy which i duno i can remember cos i only seem to be able to remember at the instant i see the word.

i have not touched history.geog and phy at all.. its e O levels. and i have not touched it. sigh.

talkin bout chinese. its so hard whenever i study it. becos i always tink of the way i studied in May. i've wrote so much. in colours. a whole a4 skool excercise book. and half a foolscap. and wad did i get? a b3. i cried. and i still cant get over the fact. perhaps my way of studin is wrong. i did my best. i really did. and all i cld get in O levels was a b3. is o levels dat hard? most ppl say its easy. but lookin at my chinese. i doubt so. i'm so afraid. stress and pressure built up. frens and family not wif me most of the time(i'm confined to home study..my mum doesn't like me out)... i'm starting to think again.

am i dat demanding for u to leave me wif no feelings left behind in your heart? like i was never dere? i din forget your birthday. i just aint got e guts to wish no more. i just aint want to contact u anytime soon. yet day and nite i tink about u and my academics..i cant help it but cry. also over e fact dat secondary skool life's over. i'm gonna miss everyone who made my life..

cld feel everythin being so distant now. its been prolly 6.5 months now. yet i can still vividly remember the times we shared.

why did u go.. and leave my world so cold.

dun get me wrong. i'm not brooding about it. u've been wif her for so long. i accept dat. but i just feel so useless.perhaps?

for the time i embarrassed u in public. for all the times i've been so doubtful bout u. -i'm sorry

wishin everyone all the best for their O levels and A levels. 3 more weeks are we're free.. suffer now. and it'll all end in 3 weeks. its worth it.