Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always "me first."

- 1 Corinthians 13:4-5, THE MESSAGE

pingy

dear God I must confess
that sometimes You seem far away
sometimes i forget about
how i stand because of grace

but Lord there's been a change in me
a change i hope will stay
for this is my prayer today

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life's practically e same everyday rite now. i'm quite happy wif everythin. or mabe very. tho quite boring. school's good. sometimes home is bad. but its good for sleeping. overall. everything is good. just that memories are bad. environment to provoke those memories are still lingering alot. everywhere. bad.

 

i just bote a book. its called ps. i love you. i'm gonna read it and die of sweetness. occupy my thots. mind. time.

 

well. i dun care if i'm living in my world i created. one thinkin dat he doesn't exist. dat he's dead. and dat its impossible dat he's still living his life. sometimes just imagining him going to church and its quite impossible. until someone reminds me dat he's still alive. i believe he's dead. or he's virtual. everything's just a nitemare. 

  

well today teacher taught e first lesson in chinese textbook 4b called "lei yu". e textbook has just an extract of e story. but e teacher told us e whole story. tho its just a story. i tink alot. its quite coincidental. e first wife who got chased out name ended wif a 'ping' hanyupinyin. and e 2nd mistress which this guy found name ended wif a 'yi'. its just a story wif lots of scandal and drama. which teacher later sums it up dat. "wad mean things u do now. u mite not suffer retribution. but ur descendants will" . 

  

tho my case aint all dat serious compared to e story. bao yin is true. i'm not bein evil. well he was mean to me. really mean. many ppl wonder why i'm so mean. cursin and all. but only to those ppl who have been in my shoes. will dey noe why dere's so much hatred and vengence. its some common reflex. tho i really want it to go away. this hate in me is still causing much pain. i really wish sometimes i get brainwashed. 

 

i'm suppose to be forgivin. and forget. but why. i just cant. why am i so mean. i am not much good either. please. got to say this again.

 

dun tell me anything bout him. i dun wan to know anythin. nothin. i am not interested. NOTHING. =[

he can screw anyone. i dun want to know. i just want to brainwash myself? i dun wan to tink of all those darn times i spent wif him. all e lies. all e shit dat he does. darn. just go away. 

 

yes. this is e different side of me. how can i ever be so evil. u'll noe when u're in my shoes. u mite tink u noe how it feels just by thinking. but no u don't. u got to BE in e situation literally. and u'll be as evil as me. darn. wrong. if dere's one who's not. please talk to me. and tell me how u've done it. i cant take all this anymore.

 

i dun noe which world is real. which is fake. which is a dream. which is not. i dream too much. toooo much of dem ever since he left. I DUN WAN. ='[